


When In Doubt, Ask For Help? (But Also Maybe Don't)

by cafe_au_late



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Belith is m!byleth but it's pronounce Bel-ith, Bileth's nickname is bob, F/F, a dumb meet cute?, a meet dumb?, basically a crack fic, byleth is just head empty elevator music, his role is major but his appearance is minor so don't worry about him, they're two gay disasters, this is a twin AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:39:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24954676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cafe_au_late/pseuds/cafe_au_late
Summary: Byleth's brother asks her to buy some condoms for him at the store but his phone dies before he can specify which one. She has never had to buy condoms before and has no idea what to buy. The most obvious answer is clearly to ask someone for help.Enter Edelgard (another condom clueless who thinks Byleth is really hot and tries to help.)
Relationships: Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth
Comments: 9
Kudos: 159





	When In Doubt, Ask For Help? (But Also Maybe Don't)

_16:20 Bro: Hey can you pick up some condoms for me while you’re at the store? //_

_16:20 Bruh: ??? //_

_16:20 Bro: I have a date tonight and I have no condoms left. You’re already at the store. //_

_16:21 Bruh: I know nothing about condoms. //_

_16:21 Bruh: You have to tell me which one you want me to buy for you. /_

_16:21 Bruh: Hello? /_

_16:21 Bruh: Bob. /_

_16:22 Bruh: Bileth… /_

  
  


The last few messages never got delivered to her brother’s phone. It was probably dead. He was always like this, never charging his phone.

She frowned, this was going to be difficult.

So here she was, in the family planning aisle with a basket full of snacks, shopping for condoms.

There was an overwhelming amount of different kinds and brands in front of her, a kaleidoscope of different coloured packaging and taglines. She stood in the middle of the aisle, taking in the sights. Did it matter which one she bought? It must, otherwise why would there be so many? There was only one thing left to do. 

Ask someone for help.

* * *

Edelgard had been wandering aimlessly up and down the aisles at her local grocery store. She had run out of tea in her apartment and figured that she ought to pick up some snacks as well as tea. But what was supposed to be a quick trip to and from the grocery store for a few things had devolved into... _this._

A girl with messy teal hair wearing a black muscle tank with a dark green sports bra underneath and dark shorts and patterned tights walked past Edelgard as she was deciding whether she should get the chocolate pastries or pick up some cinnamon rolls on the way back to her apartment. 

Said girl was ridiculously toned, Edelgard could see her abs through the sides of the muscle tank- it was enough to make Edelgard sweat. Those cornflower blue eyes glanced around the grocery store, analyzing, searching. Edelgard forced herself to look away, lest she get caught staring unabashedly.

Edelgard had seen her around before, but had never managed to get the opportunity to talk to her also, there was something about her always stoic expression that was intimidating. Maybe this was her opportunity.

So here she was, surreptitiously trailing this girl around the grocery store, trying to find a good opening to start a conversation. But the girl never paused, moving from one shelf to the next, grabbing whatever she was looking for with no hesitation.

Edelgard was about to give up and just head to the check out when the girl suddenly paused, checking her phone. 

This was her chance.

Well, after the girl finished checking her phone, it would be rude to just interrupt her like that. But before Edelgard could even take a hold of her chance,the girl had turned on her heel, converse squeaking on the floor, heading off into another direction. 

Edelgard followed after her, also pretending to be scrolling through her phone. She peered around the corner of the aisle that the other girl had turned down into. The girl was standing there in the middle of the aisle 7, staring at a wall of condoms with a very blank look on her face.

Of all the things for her to finally be stopped in front of. It had to be condoms. Edelgard sighed to herself. She couldn’t just start a conversation with her in front of the condoms. That wasn’t appropriate. What would she even talk about? Condoms? She knew nothing about condoms. With her luck, the teal-haired girl wouldn’t even be into girls.

Edelgard quickly walked down the next aisle, peeking back into aisle 7. She was still there, blankly staring at the condoms still. Frowning, Edelgard did this a few more times, walking up and down the aisles so she wasn’t just standing at the end of the aisle, staring. Her mystery girl remained standing there, stock still, staring impassively still. 

She was going to have to try to talk to her.

Don’t talk about condoms, Edelgard told herself. 

With a deep breath, she walked up the aisle, trying her best to exude confidence and poise even though she was screaming on the inside. This was ridiculous. She was so out of her element here.

To her surprise, the girl looked up at her as she approached. It almost seemed like she was relieved to see Edelgard.

“Hey, can I ask you a question?” she was impassive as ever. 

Edelgard nodded, confused as to what was happening. 

“Do you know which condoms are best?”

Edelgard blanched. Was this some kind of prank? (At least she didn’t have to worry about embarrassing herself by accidentally mentioning condoms.) But those cornflower blue eyes seemed deadly serious, genuine even.

“Uhm, I heard these ones are nice?” Edelgard blindly reached out for a box off the shelf and handed it to the other girl. She was mortified to find herself holding a dark box with the words Hegemon XL in bold red font on the box.

“XL. Yeah he’s an extra loser alright.” The other girl nodded pensively to herself and added the box to her basket. Edelgard’s mouth opened and closed a few times as she debated telling the other girl that XL did not stand for extra loser- she had to be joking, there was no way she actually thought that XL stood for extra loser...right?

  
  


The other girl sighed, “Maybe I should get him some flavoured ones too? Just in case?” She stared back at the wall of condoms. After a moment, she turned back to Edelgard. “Which one should I get?”

Edelgard tried her best not to look too out of her element as she scanned the shelves. They were all strangely named with weird taglines. She skipped over Areadhbar: ‘glove brand’, whatever that meant, as well as Immaculate One: ‘Sheath your Sword of the Creator!’, and the weird box that also had a guy in a knight’s costume saluting you- Gatekeeper: ‘Nothing to Report!’ and grabbed the flashiest package that also said ‘flavoured’. 

The other girl read the package in the most monotone, deadpan voice she could muster. “Levin Condoms. It’s shockingly tasty.” She shrugged and tossed the package into her basket as well.

Edelgard had to look away in sheer embarrassment. This had to be a prank. 

“Hey, thanks for your help. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.” The other girl smiled at her brilliantly and Edelgard could feel her heart skip several beats. Her smile was blinding, it ought to be illegal to be this attractive. “Oh sorry, I forgot to introduce myself.” She held out her hand for Edelgard to shake. “I’m Byleth.”

Edelgard took the hand dazedly, “I’m gay.” There was a moment as her brain finally caught up with her mouth and she turned bright red. She dropped Byleth’s hand like she had been burned “Nicetomeetyouokaybye!” Edelgard turned on her heel and practically sprinted down the aisle.

“Hey! It’s okay! I am too!” Byleth called out after Edelgard, stopping Edelgard in her tracks. “Can I get your name though?”

Edelgard paused, brain overheating as it struggled to process everything. 

This was her one chance. _Don’t mess it up._

She turned and marched back up to Byleth, face still burning. “Only if I can take you out on a date.”

Byleth’s smile grew impossibly wider. “I’d really like that, actually.”

Edelgard blushed even harder. She was certain that her face matched the colour of the bag of ketchup chips in her basket. “Okay. Let’s try this again then.” Edelgard drew herself up to her full height and offered Byleth her hand. “Hi. I’m Edelgard.” 

Byleth took her hand and shook it. “And I’m gay.”

**Author's Note:**

> Just a fun dumb little drabble I wanted to write as a break from my other projects. 
> 
> Shout out to the Fodlan Olympic's writer discord for the dumb Fodlan themed condom names lol


End file.
